i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
