so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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