Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize