remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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