I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
