shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
