I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
