just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
