I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
