dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
