It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
