I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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