i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
