The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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