Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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