I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
