she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
