I understand Curling. That high.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
