The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
