Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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