someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
