I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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