You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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