theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
