Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he laminated a picture of his dick.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize