I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
