matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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