If i come over, it means nothing
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
