Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
