She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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