Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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