So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
