But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
