quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
