we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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