Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
