i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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