I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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