You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
