He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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