She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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