I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
