I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
