I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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