I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
