Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
