my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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