saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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