He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
