there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
