I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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