Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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