we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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