I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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