saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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