I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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