Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
