he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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