I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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