Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize