Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We don't watch enough power rangers
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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