Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
