I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
