the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
