all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
