I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
